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Chasing the darknes
Posted:Jan 12, 2019 4:59 pm
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2019 9:18 pm

***The following may be somewhat dark but they are my thoughts and writing is how I express them. This may be a trigger for those who have also suffered dark thoughts.***

How does a person cope when pretty much every day you want to die. Heart break hurts. It’s painful, and it reinforces just how truly alone you are. You try and move on with life, but the pain continues. You reach out to friends for that human contact we all need, but then you eventually you are alone again.

I’ve been accused of things I didn’t do. My reputation is ruined and my life potentially is over. The day after these accusations came out I was at work. All day I would have my box cutter in my hand and wonder how fast I could slice my throat. But I got through my day and the rest of the week knowing after I had 1.5 weeks off.

Christmas Eve I had plans with a good friend. That was when I found more than I expected about my about current situation. That someone who once loved me was plotting to ruin my life. I was devastated. I was already broken this made it worse. My friend tried to take me in that night. She felt I needed professional help and was concerned for my well being. That I needed someone to talk to. Being a holiday our options were limited. I begged her not to call the police and was able to convince her I was Ok. She made me promise to keep in touch and let me stay home.

Talking to a professional is not going to help me. Talking will not get D to love me again. Talking will not get people to change what they have said about me. It will not stop the process that has already started.

Almost every day I think about dying. I wonder how much life insurance I have. Or what limitations the insurance on my mortgage has. Even in my current state I am still logical.

The things that keep me alive are my cats, my debt and what this would do to my parents. But eventually even that won’t be enough.

But nothing will happen today, this week and even this month. So do not worry about me. For now I am alive. That’s all got and for now that will have to be enough.

And I will keep trying to chase away the darkness…..
Still Broken
Posted:Jan 1, 2019 10:27 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2019 3:34 pm

***Again I will apologize for any spelling/grammar errors, I wrote this in a day. This is how I get my thoughts out and process pain. I wrote this for me, but you are welcome to leave thoughts and feedback if you wish. I will apologize for the length of this entry I had a lot to say.***

This a continuation of an earlier entry Broken. I woke up Monday morning (Aug 27th) and remembered it was 6 months from the day I met D. I texted her to acknowledge the significance of the day, then sadly started my work day. A few days later D texted me because she wanted the scrubs she had brought. No “how are you”, “are you ok”, just “I want something back”. I told her I would throw them out first then tried to eat. When I posted finally posted my earlier entry she read it, and reached out. She said it wasn’t easy for her either thought maybe we could have that “in person good bye” I had pleaded for. She worked all on the long weekend so we made tentative plans to possibly talk on the Monday. We ended up talking Saturday night while she was work. But we both felt might have felt worse after. The next day was Fantasy (a fetish event) I wasn’t really in the mood to go, but I had committed to volunteering so I found something to wear and headed out.

Towards the end of fantasy D reached out and asked if I wanted to meet her on break and go for a walk. I wasn’t going to miss a chance to see her. As soon as the event ended I quickly dropped off a friend and raced to get D at work. I had not seen her in a week and nervously waited at my car for her to come out. She came to the car we hugged and then drove to a park. I had blankets in my trunk and we walked around the park briefly then found a spot to lie down. We cuddled, caressed and then finally kissed. I think I may have seen stars. We did more than kiss, and then fixed our clothes and I drove D back to work. Then next morning I woke up smiling from the early morning events. The following week I met D for lunch. We started to see each other like we did before and things slowly got better, we had many lunch snuggles.

I had been trying to find a second evening job for extra money since spring. I finally found one but that meant working one evening of the weekend and restricting when I could see D.

One weekend she offered to come over one evening but could not stay, her partners request. I declined, even though would I wanted to see her, seeing her leave would hurt too much. She didn’t understand why I was ok seeing other people who didn’t sleep over, but not her. That it meant to her she was somehow worth less then my other playmates.

The entire time I was seeing D she knew I saw other people and I knew did the same. We didn’t ask for details. Later that month D’s partner made some requests. He was concerned about her health and set some boundaries. I could continue to see who I chose and do whatever I want and D and I would start using condoms. Or if I wanted still have unprotected sex with D, I could only have two other partners and use protection with them. Neither option appealed to me. There were people in my life that I had known for . I trusted them and they trusted me. My choice was substandard sex with D or substandard sex with others. I had never let anyone make decisions in my life. D talked of taking a “break” so I could decide what I really wanted. We made plans to talk on the 16th. She came over for dinner, we talked “snuggled” and then she went home after midnight. Before she left I asked for a compromise on our new “boundaries” I asked to keep three playmates. I explained who these people were, how long they had been in my life, and why they were important to me. She left to think about what I asked, but that was potentially the last time I might have seen her.

The next day she texted me to suggest we have a trial period of our situation for maybe a month and see what happened. “Third time’s a charm”. She asked to see me the next day. When I last saw her (Sunday) she was unsure about ever seeing me again so I had made plans. D was very sadden that I was “moving on” only two days after potentially seeing her for the last time. How long does one wait before moving on with their life? I cancelled my plans for the next day, and told that person (I’ll her “Karen”) that I would not see her again, she wasn’t one of three playmates I was permitted to keep. I felt bad for letting someone else down, but I had to follow my heart and hope I didn’t regret it.

When I saw D the next day she was still somewhat upset and told me that it might be weeks before she could even think about sex with someone else after never seeing me again. The “toy man” was coming back again to the city bringing the “Sybian” and rest of his collection after not being in the city for quite some time. I had hoped to go with D but she already had tentative plans both nights with other people. I suggested we both arrive with dates on Friday and see what happened (I worked Sat), D wasn’t impressed with that suggestion but agreed to go with me Friday.

Friday came, we had “lunch snuggles” and were off to Aq for evening of fun. We were early enough to grab the “wheel room” upstairs. We changed and headed off to the “toy man’s” room. As always the gracious host he welcomed us and happily showed off his collection. There were a few other in line for the Sybian so we watched others when they had the door open (some people are shy) or wandered around. We all also saw “Karen” and I introduced them both. I strapped D into the wheel and took some pictures. Eventually it was D’s turn. He showed her the selection of attachments and asked how big or small she wanted compared to what the previous riders had been using (everything is thoroughly cleaned between “riders”). One of my former playmates was also in the room who said “she’s had the “horse cock” she’ll be fine “, as we all laughed. My “nick name” comes up again. Once she started to enjoy herself she began to get really warm and sweat, “toy man” suggested I blow on her neck. I also kissed and caressed her while she experience levels of pleasure and ecstasy she had not before. My previous playmate being bent over a couch by someone raised the level of sexual energy of the room. Toy man always “rewarded” his riders “take a ride, win a prize” so when D was finished she showed her a collection of toys and told her to pick one. She chose a rabbit vibe, which she would later leave at my house instead of bringing over her toys. Later in the evening we were playing with “toy man’s” cordless wand (again) when staff came to find us to tell us our time had expired. I gave D one more orgasm and we headed back to our room to change.

People from K.I.K. were celebrating someone’s B-day that night and it was just after bars closed so I texted someone I knew “Haley” to see if the party was continuing at home. People had just started to arrived at her home and we were welcome to join. So off we went to “Haley’s” home so I could introduce D to more people I knew. We got there I told D everyone I recognized; I had met some of them at K.I.K. meets without her. One of the people at the house was “Tracy” someone I had known for many , we went to high school together, she was also on this site and we had seen other at different meets throughout the . I also found her when I discovered K.I.K. She did not seem pleased to see me, telling me she left groups when I joined but she was also somewhat intoxicated. We stayed for about an hour then headed home.

The next day, Saturday, we made plans to see each other again on Sunday and hopefully go to bed earlier for once for more “snuggles”. “Karen” texted me that morning to say what a cute couple D and I made. I was off to work that night and D was off to Aq to meet up with others. I texted her when I got home. She had not had a good night. She left early went to cry in her car and then hung with one of her really good friends who I had met. Which is unfortunate, I have always had a great time at Aq. She asked if I was up for snuggles. I reminded her of her stance on me seeing her for lunch if I had seen someone in the morning. And it seemed slightly hypocritical for her to want to see me just hours after a night at Aq. She explained she hadn’t really done anything sexual with anyone (which I’ve now found out is probably a lie, but that is another story), and asked to me. I could hear the pain in her voice and replied “get your butt over here”. When she arrived she crawled into bed, snuggled up behind me and whispered “I love you”. I wish I could go back to that moment and stop time.

The next day I messaged “Toy man” thanking him for great evening and hoping that he came back soon. He mentioned coming back for a hockey game the next month and that he might stay a few more days. I saw D again that night. Monday she sent me more fitting room pictures of dresses (the woman who didn’t own any before she met me) and I came to visit for lunch. Another Fet event was coming that I hoped take D to and we started to make plans.

The next day D got removed from a K.I.K. group again, just a random removal but I wondered why her. After my K.I.K. drama was getting quiet I wondered if people were trying to get to me through her. D was having minor surgery that day I expressed best wished and waited to hear from her later that day. On the 27th we celebrated 7 months, D was still recovering from surgery so it was just snuggles but I cherished anytime I had with D. The next season of “Survivor” started that week. I asked D is she wanted to watch it with me. She did but only if we saw every episode. D rarely saw me on Wed so we usually watched it on my PVR Fridays.

At the beginning of Oct “Toy Man” posted he would be back for one night on the 26th with just the Sybian (but that was the main event anyway) I asked D if she was working. She was, but would work on trading shifts to be free. Thanksgiving weekend I went to London Ontario with my parents to visit my sister in her new house. It was only 4 days but I was going to miss D. She dropped me off at the airport and we talked often while I was gone. I couldn’t wait to see her when I got back. The following week was D’s birthday. I asked when she wanted to see me the 11 her birthday or Friday the 12. She chose the Friday, I was sad not seeing her on her birthday, but her birthday and her choice of how to spend it. On the Wed she texted me to say she changed her mind that she wanted to fall asleep with me on her birthday, I was happy to accommodate. That left me with no plans on Friday, the only day I didn’t work so I made some. D came over after dinner with her mom for more “snuggles”, and left for work the next day. The following afternoon she texted to say she forgot her charger and was coming after work to get it. I asked to park in front because I had a guest coming. D was insulted that I had made new plans that quickly instead of just seeing her. I had seen her the night before, and we had plans Sunday. She called me and explained that because I forced her to choose sleeping over Thursday or Friday she decided to see me and instead of spending more time with her family. I started sobbing so much I couldn’t talk. I felt horrible that I had taken her away from time with her family. She came to get her charger and wanted the rest of her stuff from the bathroom. We talked more, well more like argued, she left I was so sad from crying I couldn’t stand up. She left and my other guest gave me shoulder to cry on the rest of the evening. Then I saw D on our usual Tues night. Haley was having people over to cards that Friday the 19th. I asked if I come with D, we didn’t cards but were happy to just come socialize. D came for dinner and then we were off to Haley’s. Haley had texted earlier saying that she had decided we were going to cards, it was only a $10 buy in. We arrived and we had met most of the people there. I was out pretty quick, so bought back in. But Haley and I ended up being the last two and split the money. People came over after the bar again, including “Tracy” again.

The next night was another K.I.K. Aq party, unfortunately my second job had decided to no longer accommodate my limited (Sat only) availability so I wasn’t working. D and I decided to join the fun at Aq. D came over the evening and off to Aq we went. Upstairs was full so we got the room behind the office. We got changed and went for a walk to meet the party host. Every time I tried to in our room D suggested we go where people could watch us. If we were going to stay in our room we could have stayed home. That hurt but I tried to move past it. We popped in to the party room a few times, she had the wheel room. I offered to get strapped into the wheel to show people how it worked. Later that night D was having back issues and was trying to stretch her back. I commented on the position she was in and she replied she was definitely not in the mood. I began massage her back and try and make her feel better. I don’t remember what I did, but D got up and said she was going for walk. I didn’t want her going for a walk in that place and followed her into the hall. I grabbed her hand to stop her and she pulled away. She told me to let her go or she would find another ride home so I let her go and went back to wait outside our room. She had the key. She came back let me in our room and then left again. Now I just wanted to go home. When she came back again, we got dressed and left. We didn’t talk much on the way. I was done.

We got to my house and D came in while I went to collect her things. I got her stuff and as I walked back to door I got the can of whipped cream from the fridge and threw it out. I handed her, her things but realized I still didn’t want to say good-bye. I told I still wanted her in my life but she was done. I had frightened her. We talked for awhile but I was unable to change her mind. I waited on my deck and watched as she got in her car. Then I ran to her car. Took her hand and held it to my face just to feel her touch one last time. Then she said she had to go before she started to cry. Then she started to cry, knowing she was upset I asked her to text me when she got home so I knew she was safe. 30 minutes passed, longer then she needed to get home and I began to worry. So I asked if she was home. She replied she had almost got in an accident but was home safe trying to relax. I said good night and tried to sleep.I messaged her on the “book of faces” that week but no reply. I would still see her chatting on K.I.K. and posted sad faces after things she said, I was warned to stop so I did.

The 26th came, the night the “toy man” was back at Aq. I sadly watched “Survivor” alone wondering what D was doing. People were posting on K.I.K. about going, but I saw nothing from D. Later that evening someone I had been talking with for months was thinking of going so I offered to take her. When we got there I saw D’s vehicle. Of course she wouldn't waste an evening she had traded shifts to be off. I immediately wanted to go home, but didn’t want to disappoint my date. So we went in. Shortly after we headed up stairs where I saw D with her date, so much for not being able to think about sex for weeks after seeing me for the last time. I guess it’s different if she chooses to end it and not me. Many things happened that night, but I ended up crying in the “toy man’s” room while my date rode the Sybian, while D was in the room with us. On the advice of people I knew I dried my tears and tried to avoid another melt down. Before she left for the night D came to find me to talk and I asked if we could try again. She replied after I was there with someone else, no. I was trying to move on with life, just like she was and she was punishing me for it. She showed me the bruise on her hand that I left the previous weekend and told me that she had also shown her partner, she mentioned he was angry and wanted to find me. I asked her multiple times to look me in the eye and tell me she no longer loved me, she couldn’t. So maybe, just maybe we were not finished. I let D go, found my date and got dressed to go home. That was the last time D spoke to me. I was scared to go home so reached out to a friend who gave me a shoulder to cry and I stayed there the next morning until I thought it was safe to go home. I reached out to D the next day apologizing for the awkwardness of the previous night. And asked why she had to choose there to talk to me. She replied because I was “one of her people” we were close for 8 months and that seeing me and not talking was hard. So she asked to talk. She reassured me her partner would not come find me, but she had told him about the night in June and that he wanted her to report it. We trade messages throughout the day but her thoughts didn’t change. For the next few days every time I heard a noise I would jump. I used to not lock my doors but I did now. I was scared and nothing was taking that fear away. I reached one more time on the 31th, that was the last time I would ask to see her. She replied later that evening. She repeated that we were over, that feelings still lingered but we were done. She once again brought up the night in June, that she had told some more people and was not coping well. She had to write it out just to sleep at night. That was the last time I had any contact from D.

I woke up the next day to find we were still friends on Fet, Sex Friends Finder.net and I could talk to her on the “book of faces”. So I thought maybe we could still stay in touch. Then slowly day by day she broke away, unfriended me on fet, blocked me on Sex Friends Finder.net, blocked me on fet, then finally blocked me on the “book of faces”. If she was going to cut ties why not do it all at once. Why drag it out knowing I would see it like she was cutting away pieces one by one.

The night she talked about was 4 months previous. She continued see me, sleep with me, tell me she loved me for four months. How could she have such an opinion of me now. But I knew we were done and tried salvage my life. It hurt, most days I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to die. I was fortunate to have friends to reach out to when I needed hugs, cuddles and human contact. My hour long lunches became very lonely.

Just over a month ago (Nov 24th) “Haley” had a house party with K.I.K. people. Once I confirmed D would not be there I made plans to attend. I tried to bring a date, someone I trusted to help keep me calm but no one was free so I went alone. I mentioned in the party group on K.I.K. when I might be leaving. Halfway there “Tracy” texted asking if I had left. Her husband didn’t feel like going out. I asked if she wanted me to pick her up. After I got her, we talked about my recent heart break, and just life in general. I knew I wasn’t her favorite person but she was being nice. At the party I mingled chatted, tried to take my mind off my life. After 5 hours the party was winding down, Tracy and I were some of the last people to leave. She had consumed alcohol but was walking, talking perfectly fine. When we started driving I asked if she wanted to go home or come with me, she replied she wanted to see my cats. So to my house we went. While she played with my cats I changed into my PJ’s and got into bed. Tracy soon joined me clothed. She decided she didn’t want to just sleep and clothes came off, she was fully aware of her actions. We had more fun the next day and then I drove her home. The last thing she told me when I dropped her off was not to say anything to her husband. I texted her the next day thanking her for cuddles and for listening to me. Later in the week (the 28th) I texted wondering where we stood, I am not a fan of “one night stands”. But I didn’t want to seem “needy”. Two days later (the 30th) her husband was messaging me on K.I.K. saying she didn’t remember much of the night of the 24th and asked what happened. I didn’t answer not knowing what to say. There was B-day party for popular K.I.K. member the following Friday (the 7th) I needed to know what to say in case her husband chose to talk to me there. I didn’t get any response from Tracy.

Once again I tried to find someone to join me; I lack the confidence I once had to go to events alone. But once again everyone I knew was busy. So I ventured out alone. I arrived at the bar early and ended up picking up the birthday boy from Haley’s house. We went in and claimed a corner for our group. I stayed off in a corner by myself knowing that D would eventually arrive and I wanted to avoid another melt down. Shortly Haley arrived alone, her husband was home watching the kids. I showed her my previous entry and talked with her about D. I wanted her advice. Slowly people began to arrive. Tracy and her husband arrived and she barely acknowledged me. People were civil, one of D’s other playmates arrived and shook my hand. Eventually D also arrived and I started to panic. Fortunately those close to me consoled me with hugs and I tried to calm down. The whole night D barely looked at me. I guess I was not longer “one of her people”. But over a month had passed since I last saw her. Tracy briefly came to talk to me and still claimed to have no memory of the previous weekend. So once again told her what happened. Sunday (the 9th) the verbal attacks on K.I.K. started from D’s new “people” her one of her new playmates went after me over misinterpreting things I had said. I explained my life did not revolve around D, that I was still hurting, wanted to die and begged him to please leave me alone. I also talked more with Tracy and she started to tell me I was lying about the night she was at my house. I had no reason to lie. She initiated sex and I went with it. Almost two weeks had passed why was she having this “memory loss” now.

Issues on K.I.K. continued for the next week. Accusations were being made about me, but no would what or by whom. On Dec 17th Tracy decided to tell most of K.I.K. I had assaulted her, almost a month after it happened. My reputation was ruined and now my life is pretty much over.

My heart was already broken from D. I bought Lindor Chocolate, it stays unopened in my cupboard because it reminds me of her. I also liked Oreo cookies, they also remind me of D. Every time I read the paper and see the crossword, I remember. Lunch hour is still lonely. I long for just seeing two words “lunch snuggles” but that text will never come. For the past two weeks I’ve managed to eat once a day if at all. I did want to lose weight and down 10 lbs. I don’t sleep well and spend too much time in bed. I had to use my remaining holidays for the year so I’ve been home since Dec 21st. Tomorrow I go back to work.

Why couldn’t we have skipped going to Aq on Oct 20th, then I might still have D in my life. The person who once loved me (D) and others are trying to ruin my life. Accusing me of things I did not do. I don’t know how to function. I was already on the edge. I don’t know how much longer I can go before I fall off. I can’t live knowing not when I will find law enforcement at my door. I still jump at every sound.

I don’t how to live like this.... still broken…..
Doing a good deed.
Posted:Dec 29, 2018 4:03 pm
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2018 7:17 pm

So because it just happened, I’m going to share something.

There is this app called “Be my eyes”. It’s an app that matches visually impaired people with sighted folks to help them with tasks. Reading etc.

If someone needs helps your phone might ring and if you are available you can take the call. They can use the camera on their phone to show you what they might need help with. I’ve had this app for a few months and I just got my first call.

I helped a gentleman in Toronto with instructions to cook a pizza.

After everything negative going on in my life right now, it was a welcome change to have something positive. I would urge all of you to download the app and one day you might be able to help someone too. Please tell your friends.

“I’ve got something in my eye”…
Posted:Aug 30, 2018 10:50 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2019 3:33 pm

*** I will apologize in advance for any spelling/grammar errors. I have been writing this for a week and I finally finished. This is how I get my thoughts out and process pain***

Almost a year ago, last Sept, I saw a comment on a group post, on another site that caught my eye and sent a woman a message. I will call her D. We traded messages, and exchanged email addresses to trade face pics and then cell numbers to text. We shared a common employment field. We tried to make plans but timing never worked, working shift work, having a partner (she had a “hall pass” and her partner didn’t ask) and kids we couldn’t find a time to get together. Almost two months later she commented on one of my pictures and we started chatting again. I tend to converse more in person, she was very shy and tried to get to know someone more before meeting. She almost gave up on making plans because she thought we were “too different” happily we still kept chatting. We discussed our thoughts on FWB’s, casual encounters etc. I suggested she read some of my writing entries (only a portion of what I have here). She thought my stories were interesting. Of course she asked about my user name, it’s pretty much the same there, most people do. She asked about my number of partners and I answered as I usually do, “I don’t kiss and tell” was she wanting that week, that month or the past six. I explained there were people I saw weekly, others a few times a month and some a few times a year. I reinforced I didn’t take risks with my health or anyone else’s. We debated risks, safe sex practices etc. We realized we might not be what the other was looking for in early Dec and wished each other luck.

At the end of Feb I was going though conversations on my phone, as I often do and sent her a text. Then I quickly remembered who she was and our previous conversations. I apologized for my memory and confirmed she was probably still not interested. The next day she made a post because she needed someone to talk to. I reached out, it’s who I am. She was feeling lonely, and living alone I completely understood how she felt. We discussed a mutual love of snuggles and sleepovers, exchanged some more texts and made plans for the next day. She was incredibly shy but with time she came out of her shell and we had a fun evening. She explained her work schedule and we thought that she may be able to visit most Tuesdays, unless she worked that day and then we would see each other Monday. The first couple times she came over at bedtime. That was how I used to interact with people. I tend to watch a significant amount of television, it’s cheap entertainment, and was reluctant to expose anyone to my “boring” life. . I also spend a significant amount of time online, I may spend up to two hours over an entire day on "the book of faces". It’s how I stay in touch with my “world”. During the time I have had a laptop, 9 years, it’s the first thing I see in the morning, and the last thing I see before I go to sleep. I try not to neglect guests, but habits are very hard to break. Over a past couple of years I have met people who convinced me my life wasn’t “boring” just quiet, so I started giving guests their choice of when to join me, come at bedtime, or earlier and cuddle on my couch. Soon she was joining me for dinner, I do enjoy cooking and it’s nice not always eating alone. She would always ask if she could bring something, of course I would say no, she would insist, so I would let her bring desert. She never knew what to get and I would never suggest anything, so she would always surprise my “sweet tooth”. She once brought strawberries and can a of whipped cream. From then on every now and then I would spray little bits of whipped cream on her nipples when she arrived and lick it off. Being a pet owner herself , she loved my cats and they loved her

In April we exchanged :book of faces" Id’s and conversed, shared pictures and other things there. One week in April she asked what I was doing on a Friday so made plans then too. I would never pass up an opportunity to sleep in with company. She mentioned role playing and “dress up” towards the end of April she brought some OR scrubs with her (she worked in a hospital) and thus began many “house calls” from the “doctor”. One weekend I invited her to join me on Sunday also, breaking my “two nights a week” rule. In May between evenings and morning playtime we were together 6 days in a row. Now she was in my room during daylight providing opportunities for more pictures. On night shifts she got longer breaks so she decided to come visit. I didn’t mind being woken by a warm body crawling into my bed for snuggles and playtime. She loved to curl up behind me and snuggle into my back. Men don’t always have to be “big spoon”. She loved going to back to work with a smile. She started coming to visit three evenings a week. I wanted to see her as much as I could and still give her time with her family. In mid May I changed jobs, I got an hour for lunch and I worked about 10 minutes from D’s house. So why not visit. I would heat up lunch (she was one of the few people I knew that didn’t own a microwave) drive to her house and eat then cuddle with what remaining time I had. Then I remembered I could eat while driving which gave us more time for cuddles and playtime. I was starting to have feelings for her, but didn’t dare say it. You don’t get feelings with “attached” people. I would pretend to draw on her arm or back, but I but I was really writing “I love you” and hoping she didn’t notice. But she did, and she told me she was feeling the same way. She had a “talk” with her partner and he didn’t tell her to stop seeing me. I was determine to help D overcome her shyness so we made plans to visit Aquarius and attend a fetish event. As she spent more time with me D start to become more adventurous. We used to go for walks in the park and mused about some “late night playtime” on dark trails. One week the park where we walked had set up some tents for a weekend event. It had recently rained, but inside the tent was perfectly dry and provided ample cover for some outdoor fun. At the end of May we made tentative plans to see each for three days in a row. She was unsure about the Friday night, and I was invited to join a couple so I accepted the offer. D was very disappointed after having discussed with her partner seeing me three nights in a row. After my threesome I came home and D joined me. It was somewhat awkward for me, but she wanted to hear about my evening.

The first weekend in June I needed some help with some electrical work on my house. I am pretty competent on my own, but my father (like most fathers) usually knows more. He was only free that Sunday because he was going out of town. But I had plans to spend the weekend with D. I wasn’t changing my plans. So time to introduce my parents to a new friend. Something I had not done in 9 . I am a very private person, even from my own family. So letting someone meet my parents (mom decided to come too) was a huge step. I still introduced her as my friend, because that’s what she was. Later that evening we had a lack of communication that lead to a serious breach of trust, on my part. During our conversations after she told me loved me. I broke down, sobbing to the point I could barely breath. It had been over ten since someone had spoken those words to me. Drama It had even more impact after what had just happened. But we continued to see each and set boundaries to ensure it never happened again. We talked about our past, families and relationships. D had some abandonment issues from her childhood and past relationships. At times I can be very hard to read, and electronic communication sucks. She would often wonder if I was upset with her and worry. I tried to convince her that I was ever upset with her, she would definitely know it. And I wanted her in my life. I have a “rule” about people leaving marks on me and I try not to leave any on others. I have made make the occasional hand print on a partner’s butt, but that is usually gone the next day. D loved when I kissed, nibbled on her neck and shoulders. Sometimes I bit a little too hard, but she liked having reminders of me, as long as she could cover them. In mid June I learned about groups on K.I.K. messenger, as some of you are aware joining these groups is time sensitive as space is limited. One evening a friend texted just as we were sitting down eat. So I grabbed my phone. Once again. not focusing on my guest. This was the only the start of K.I.K. being an issue for us. Later in the week a storm knocked down a tree in my yard onto my power line. That Saturday we had planned on going out to a fetish event. I suggested D get ready at my house. When I saw the all her shampoo, conditioner, body was etc, I suggested she could just leave it all my house and gave her an empty drawer. She also started coming over when she worked the next day and got ready at my house. Just as I was about to start dinner, a lineman came and cut my power. So my father and I were busy trying to repair my power line until dark. But the second time he had been to my house and D was there, parents start to wonder. After dark we headed off to catch some fun at the remainder of the event, another chance for D to be out meet new people. When I woke the next morning, and I saw her bag still hanging in my bathroom I decided to leave her a little note and see when she found it. That started me hiding noted in her stuff at every opportunity. Every now and then she would mention my “internet time”. She would go upstairs to my bedroom while I was still checking "book of faces". Or look at her phone when I woke up, see how long I spent looking at my laptop and then compare to the amount of time I spent snuggling with her after. Snuggles was usually more, and often had me rushing so I wouldn’t be late for work. But once again, habits. D was very shy and also quite self conscious, I had no idea why. She didn’t own dresses of skirts. I asked if she might consider buying some to make late night walks more fun, “easy access”. She went shopping and sent me sexy change room pictures of her purchases.

At the beginning of July D was going on trip for over a week. So we made plans for her visit and spent some of the weekend with me. I had a rough day at work and couldn’t move very well. D had brought her “bag of tricks” and was looking forward to a fun evening. When she saw how “wrecked” I looked she considered going home to avoid disappointment. She was starting to pack and felt some paper and saw another of my little notes. I convinced her to stay and I proved to her that a little pain doesn’t stop me from having fun. I missed her so much. We conversed whenever she had signal. She was on a road trip with her mother, so trying to explain she needed “alone time” to talk to me wasn’t going to happen. One day we did face time, her standing in a parking and me shaving getting ready to go out. My first experience with video chat. She sent me numerous pictures so I wouldn’t forget her, not that there was any chance of that. I reciprocated with the only shower pics I have ever taken. After ten long days she came home. We had talked about going to the beach I couldn’t afford to drive to Grand Beach and she didn’t want to go to Bird’s Hill (the man made lake) so we compromised on Patricia beach. After a night at Aq we got up and headed off for sun and sand. We got the parking lot and point at road leading away and asked “where does that go?”, She replied “to the nude section” so I turned the vehicle and off we went. Now I had never been to the nude beach, despite numerous invitations from friends. I had my reasons. Now I was going to face my own “fears”, D had never been either and she was more nervous then I was. We got there looked around and I pointed there were bodies of all shapes and sizes. She had nothing to be shy about. It was a very windy day, we spent the day baking in the sun and jumping through the waves. It felt so free to be naked. The day after the beach people were working on her deck I couldn’t visit. We met at starbucks and sat on a bench. I was only thinking “if only she had worn a skirt”, some more outdoor playtime. Later that night she made a profile here and I showed her my blog. She had one her own “rules”, She didn’t want me to visit for lunch if I had a guest the night before. I didn’t understand, after all she came to visit me less then an hour after I got home from threesome. If I had plans to visit for lunch but had evening plans I would be breaking my plans with her. Later that week we were out for a drive and were talking about lunch plans. Once again she asked about my other evening plans came up. Without thinking I said “well maybe I just won’t tell you my other plans”. She didn’t speak the rest of the way home. When we got back to me house she picked up her keys and went to get her things from my bathroom. She was finished with me. I was devastated. I pleaded with her not to leave. Eventually I found myself sobbing on my kitchen floor because I could no longer stand. While she coldly stood and watched. In time I managed to compose myself, somewhat dried my tears and stood up. I looked her in the eyes and told her that I loved her. If she was going to leave, at least she would leave knowing how I felt. I had not told anyone I loved them in 8 . Dying of a broken heart I never thought I would ever say those words again. For the next few hours among hugs, clinging, not wanting to her go we ended up naked on my couch, but she still left. We texted throughout the next day both exhausted from lack of sleep and trying to get though a work day. Now I could end my texts with “love you”. She worked days that weekend but we had plans to see each other Sunday. The local water park was having “adult nights” on Sundays for part of the summer. Four hours. adults only, alcohol service, and music. It was the third year doing this and I always laughed when I heard it. “Water slides and alcohol? What could go wrong?”. Well this year I was going to do it. Sadly that night it was cancelled for weather so we just stayed at my house. When I was reading my paper she asked for the crossword puzzle. She had not told me she liked crosswords. After that I started saving crossword puzzles and giving them to her whenever I saw her. The next week I felt sick so missed work and D came to spend the day with me. After she left I started to attempt to shave and shower, she asked for a picture of my “scruffy” face before I did. So I took a picture for her, even with my “bed head”. The following weekend we were off to the beach again and off to the water park at night. We had some playtime before we left and I teased her all the way to beach. Some activities can’t be accomplished in water which only teased her more. Later in the day we left for the beach and headed back to the city, soon I pulled off onto the hidden dirt road to finish what I started earlier. The water park was so much fun. Hardly any lines, no children and still warm even at night. I was probably one of the oldest people there though. She still mentioned me internet time now and then, but she warned me that one day she would just give fighting with me and start pulling away. The next week I added D to some of my K.I.K groups, then she understood why I was in them. They helped me kill time at work. I mostly stayed off them when she visited. I started cutting back on visits to two nights a week. After D left I felt I needed to “protect” myself from getting hurt and those walls I had for so long were starting to rebuild. That week the subject of my other guests came up again to which I replied “not everyone sleeps over”. Later that day D texted to ask what night I had been referring to. I didn’t want another fight so I refused to answer. We didn’t talk much until the weekend, and off for another beach day. Aug 14 I had physio after work (got rear ended) so D came got to my house before I did. She was very quiet and seemed different. I asked what was wrong. She replied she couldn’t see me anymore. Her partner has requested it. They had an open relationship, but that never included her falling in love with someone else. I sat on my couch stunned, my world had just crumbled. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to reach out and hold her, but at the same it seemed futile. You fight for what you love, why didn’t she fight for me. But knew I was not worth her breaking up her family. I got a text from a friend telling me I had been removed from some groups (that’s a whole other story) so I picked up my phone. Now that I reflect on it that was probably pretty cold, after what D had just told me. But as far as I knew my life with her was over. So the brief distraction managed to give me appetite so we had dinner and then off to bed, D said she wouldn’t be able to sleep so she left to go cry at home. We talked more the next day. She told she never said that she didn’t fight for me, I only assumed. She did fight for me but was too much of sad puddle to think straight. She still wanted to see me so she and her partner agreed to we could go to events, maybe go to the beach and where things lead but not sleepovers in the immediate future. In time maybe we would be back where we were. I wasn’t sure what to think. I could see D whenever I could patiently waiting until we were free do everything we did before. Only to have him tell her not to see me again. I couldn’t go through that. She asked if I could meet at starbucks again for lunch. We conversed briefly through the rest of the week. She made plans to see me after work Sunday the 19th. She came over just as I was about to finish prepping lunch for the week. I asked how long she could stay, she relied 2.5 hours. Once again I didn’t know what to do. I was confused and hurt, so we sat in silence. Eventually I asked her to come to my room and cuddle. She got into my bed clothed. Clear sign don't “touch me”. Eventually clothes did come off and she got home much later than planned. I eventually found energy to finish making lunch and get a few hours sleep. The next day I asked if she still wanted to meet for lunch. She relied she always wanted to see me but was too tired. Some other things happened that afternoon. She asked if I was mad. I was, but there was no point in telling her so I didn’t rely. The next day since she had not heard from me she wasn’t free for lunch again and she worked the next few days. That was our week, her being busy and me sending “passive aggressive, sarcastic texts”. On the 24th after a week of barely talking and her not giving me any idea when I might see her again, I told her if she no longer wanted to see me just tell me to my face. She had plans and said we would continue the conversation the next day. I didn’t sleep that night much not knowing where I stood. She texted me the next day to talk, I only wished to talk in person. She said she would et me know when she was free. I went for my usual Saturday vegetable run to see family and while driving I had a “light bulb” moment. I realized I had not been that nice to D that week. And I made a decision I would see D as much I could, take whatever time she could give me and be grateful. I still loved her and if I didn’t fight for her I would always wonder “what if”. A few hours later she asked to meet me in a park. I didn’t really want to go out, my tummy was upset from lunch and I explained I didn’t want to be far from my bathroom. The next few hours I kept asking her to come here and her deflecting. Finally I asked if she was trying to say good-bye. She replied she thought that was best. I called her and asked her tell me to my face she didn’t want to see me. She refused. She was trying to give me a face to face meeting but I pushed and made her tell me over the phone. For next half hour I pleaded for some in person closure, she said she might, just not that day. I need to see her. I explained to her what how this would affect me, that I might not be able to eat or sleep for days, she didn’t care. I ended up in my car just driving. Somehow I found my way to her house, her vehicle was there. I stopped she was reaching her breaking point of patience with me so I simply asked her to wave at me. And I told her where I was. Now she was definitely not going to see me again and I made my way home. I had to push and now I would never see her again.

Why couldn’t she tell me were done in the safety and security of my home. Could she not guess I would be sad, cry and break down. She would rather that happen in public? It was only 6 days earlier that she told me she always wanted to see me. But when we spoke on the phone she reminded me her feelings had been changing for much longer.

I miss her so much. I miss her smile, I miss the sound of her voice. I miss the cute way she said “thank you” whenever sat down to eat, or how said “MHmmm” in acknowledgement if things I said. Every time I open my fridge and see that can of whipped cream I remember, if course I could throw it out. But maybe, just maybe she’ll come back and I’ll want. I can hope. Every time I open my newspaper I want to take out the crossword. Every time my phone beeps I hope it’s her, but I know it won’t be. It was pure luck that I even met her after our rocky beginnings. I was afraid to tell her loved because every time I have feeling it fell apart. And look where I ended up, like some sick self fulfilling prophesy. She had the abandonment issues, but she also abandoned me. I wrote about the internet possibly ruining me, and it’s still happening. Have my past relationships and the internet ruined me I am destined to be alone because of how much time I spend looking at my laptop? I thought I would never love again, and got my heart ripped out yet again. My sex drive is gone, I barely eat and can’t sleep. I simply pass out from exhaustion. A person can only break so many times before they are broken beyond repair.

So here I remain…. Broken…

The finished piece.
Posted:Feb 18, 2018 7:22 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2018 3:42 pm
My previous post showed what some very talented did with my profile pic I39m Flattered . This is the finished piece. And no its not quite my actual face.
I'm Flattered
Posted:Feb 1, 2018 5:52 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2018 3:41 pm
I recently met someone with significant artistic talent who asked my permission to do some sketching with my profile pic. I told she could have done it and I would never know, but I appreciated being asked.

She took my profile pic

and sketched this

Yes she slightly changed my hands and made me more chiseled, but I like it.

Then she added water color to do this

I am somewhat flattered someone chose me for their "muse" to practice their artistic talent.
Censoring blog comments
Posted:Jan 14, 2018 3:36 pm
Last Updated:Dec 24, 2018 9:48 pm

I have been part of this blogging community for almost 6 years now. Before I had only been a reader, and commentator. Then I joined you all and became a writer. Recently this happened What the Hell My comments . I have question for you regular bloggers. How many of you, if any, review or censor blog comments? I don’t think I could possibly keep track of the number of comments I may have received that I did not agree with. I politely reply and simply agree to disagree. It’s a public forum, if you are going to post something for the entire site to read, then guess what everyone and anyone is entitled give you feedback. As long it is done in a respectful manner. People have certainly not done so for me, but I would never (ever) think about censoring my readers. All feedback is welcome, good and bad.

So my readers, do you?
What the Hell? My comments.
Posted:Jan 14, 2018 3:19 pm
Last Updated:Dec 24, 2018 9:48 pm

Recently a blogger in my local area made a blog post with the above title. He asked for advice why someone would go off on him like the person in his blog post did. So I offered some advice. Almost a week passes and I notice my comments are still “pending”. I saw that blogger in our local chat room and asked if he was screening comments. He replied he was only “reviewing” them. This person is logged in, and in chat every day. It still takes a week to review comments? Then ensued some trading of insults (his) and my replies until he left chat.

I checked the blog post again to find four comments he liked posted but not mine. I told you my thoughts would be posted, either on your blog or mine. Unfortunately I neglected to copy what I wrote, but here is the basic context.

“If you knew you were not what someone was looking for, why would bother sending any flirts at all? Why would you think that was a good idea?

You have a gold membership, read profiles, and only message people if you fit what they are looking for.

Don’t comment on so many pictures. Its creepy”

It was sincere advice. I keep saying I’ve been here longer than any local I know. There is a reason for it. I was simply sharing some tactics that work. Sadly some people just don’t appreciate it.
Posted:Jan 2, 2018 5:37 pm
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2018 6:12 pm

Too late.
Saying good-bye to pets is hard, even harder if its one of yours. Part Three
Posted:Oct 14, 2017 5:31 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2018 7:41 pm
***Sorry for bringing a little sadness into your day. You might want to grab Kleenex before reading***

“Cats are like music, it’s foolish to try to explain their worth to those who don’t appreciate them”.

Even after loosing my twin girls Saying goodbye to pets is hard, even harder if its one of yours Saying goodbye to pets is hard, even harder if its one of yours Part Two this doesn't get any easier. If anything it hurts more.

When I was tested for allergies in my 20’s and found out I was allergic to cats, I was instructed not to have cats as an adult. In 2004 a few months after moving into my home, I was visiting my girlfriend (later common law spouse) in Portage La Prairie. This cute little grey cat made its way into the basement. She told me he was a stray. He was incredibly friendly for being a stray and it was suggested I take him home, or let him continue life as a stray. So I did. I took him home and named him Tiger.

You watched me leave whenever I left and greeted me at the door whenever I came home. You slept on my bed and were my loyal companion. Anyone who ever met you said you the most amazing temperament for once being a stray. With a front street and back lane I didn’t feel it was safe to let you run loose but did not want to deprive you of outside, so I got you accustomed to a harness and leash and you were content to be outside for hours. The jingling of the harness bell always had you running for the door.

In 2005 I left home and moved to Thompson, I took you with me. But was informed my accommodations did not permit pets, so I had to bring home to my parents for two months. Once I moved, I came to get you. You ran to the sound of my voice as you always did. Later that year Fluffy and Cuddles joined my family and you were patient to raise them. Since you loved outdoors every now and then you would get loose, you learned to cut screens so I couldn’t open some windows but you always eventually came home. The last time you got out, I slept outside on my deck like a worried parent, only to have you come scrolling home at 6am.

In 2008 when I brought home Tessa, she hissed at you for months yet you showed no signs of aggression back. That was your nature. Sadly two years ago I lost Fluffy and Cuddles. But I was lucky enough to be given Bear and Wild Thing. Once again, you were raising kittens. Even being a “senior cat” you were happy to play and wrestle with them. You were “the big boy”, teaching “the little boys”.

A few months ago I noticed a huge increase in urine production in my boxes, so I took you to the Vet. You had diabetes. I could not afford Insulin, syringes, lancets and test strips. But I bought diabetic cat food. And you started to do better. You could no longer share a bowl with the little boys so I had to take you upstairs to my bedroom and give everyone 30 minutes to eat. Eventually everyone learned to eat their food in the time allowed. In only weeks you were going upstairs on your own instead of running when I put down the little boy’s bowl. Proving you were never too old to learn and adapt after eating in my kitchen for almost 13 years.

You had a bad habit of getting into my garbage despite being reprimanded anytime I caught you. This week you week you managed to eat string that wasn’t going to come out. After a few days of not eating I began to worry. You lacked the energy to greet me at the door. But you still sat beside me on the couch and curled up with me at night. I took you to the vet today and x-rays confirmed my suspicions. With your age and health you would not survive surgery. I had to say good-bye. Even with diabetes I might have had you another year. Why didn’t I buy a “pet proof” garage can? I brought you home so Tessa, Bear and Wild Thing could say good-bye. The little boys kept trying to wake you up. Hopefully they understood you were gone. I’M SORRY, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. For most of 9 years I have owned 4 cats, the “crazy cat guy” with my “crazy cat guy starter set”. I can’t imagine life without you. Not seeing you greet me at the door with the “little boys” every time I come home. I had you for 13 years. I hope I gave you a good long life and I loved you. Cuddles and Fluffy are waiting for you on the rainbow bridge.

Good-bye Tiger “Daddy’s good boy” daddy loves you…..
My 250th blog post
Posted:Oct 14, 2017 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2017 10:53 am

So I have reached another blogging milestone. 250 blog posts, yay! I have been silent for some time because I had idea how I should celebrate this achievement, and I still don’t. But I have too many thoughts running through my head. So time to end my “writers block”. The journey from 100 brought moments from my life, random humor and hopefully some interesting topics that made you think.

I have missed writing and will make the effort/find time to do it again.

Once again, thanks for coming along on this ride. I believe the next milestone to celebrate is 500.
Approaching 250
Posted:Sep 28, 2016 5:01 am
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2017 6:20 pm

I recently noticed I am about to hit next blogging milestone of 250 blog posts. I was curious is there anything special you bloggers do at 250. Any of you have an ideas? I'll see your comments when I get home. Off to work have a great hump day.
Let's talk about respect
Posted:Sep 27, 2016 6:25 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2018 7:54 pm

I encountered a situation recently, and once again I find myself here coming to the “court of public opinion” for some feedback.

Last month I noticed a couple had moved to my city. I welcomed them and exchanged some messages. They were still unpacking, waiting for furniture and getting settled. I asked them once they were settled to look me up.

Two weeks later they asked if I was free to meet for drinks. They were not yet settled but possibly looking for a play break. We traded offsite emails and cell numbers to arrange a time and place. The husband mentioned the possibility of splitting a hotel room and mentioned possibly some “clothing optional fun” more than once. But I never have any expectations of first meetings.

We met in a lounge and talked for a few hours. We talked about common interests (the husband and I shared a career), the lifestyle, and I told them about the “fun stuff” in our city; couples parties and groups , fetish socials, and bathhouses. I explained public events were becoming less and less over the years. They mentioned planning parties etc where they were from and thought they might have the same success here. After a couple hours they asked for a minute to talk alone. When I came back to the table they explained they were just not up for playtime that evening. That was perfectly fine, as mention I never have expectations of first meetings. The next day I sent my usual “nice to meet you text/asking first impressions”. We agreed to stay in touch for another meeting.

This morning I got a text they were planning on heading to one of the bathhouses this weekend. I told them I had no plans and would confirm times later in the week. That’s when I was informed they had invited two other single males and would make a choice between who showed up.

Really?? So they expected me to spend money to enter a bathhouse (no one gets in for free) and hope that I would be the lucky one they pick to play with? I explained to them how insulted and disrespected I felt. What would they think if I told them I wanted to meet them and was inviting two other couples and would pick one of the three to play with? Said bathhouse is usually two thirds single males or more. I never go there alone; I only go when I have date wanting to go. I bring my own fun. Maybe they thought I would be Ok just finding my own fun if I wasn’t picked, I refuse to lumped with the rest of the dreaded “single males”. Faced with that choice, I’ll stay home. Hopefully they stumble across blogland some day.

I don’t need to be the centre of attention but I don’t make plans with multiple people and expect the same from those I potentially meet. The husband told me, he had been in my shoes being a former single male, that he happily accepted whatever opportunities he was given and if he was “chosen” great. Because there are 100's of single males out there, couple are free to treat them however they wish. He told me it wasn’t his place to dictate who his wife played with. While they respected my opinion, it did not matter to them and wished me luck.

I replied that I was not expecting him to decide who his wife played with. They were couple, they make those decisions together. But they should have the respect for potential playmates to make those decisions ahead of time. I informed him, he had never been in my shoes because out of the dozens of single women and couples I have met here and on other sites none had ever told me “we are inviting three, but will pick one”. Based on those years of experiences the outlying behavior laid with them not me. Anyone who tolerates that level of disrespect has no respect for themselves. After that I checked this site to find they blocked me. So I can’t see you profile anymore, how will I ever survive??? Such petty tactics reinforces their lack of respect. Someone disagrees with me, so I’ll just take my ball and bat and go home. I wonder how much “success” they will have meeting people, planning parties etc based on how they treat people.

So my readers, now comes the time to ask your feedback. As a single male should I just simply “take whatever bones are thrown at me and be grateful”, or am I entitled to some degree of mutual respect. For couples; would any of you ever invite three men and pick/make your choice once you saw who actually showed up? Would you do that to single females or couples?

For the single males, would you have gone and “taken your chances” or would you, like me call them on their lack of respect and deal with results.

Just wanting another opinion….

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