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I came, I saw, iPodded  

Over21ish2 58M
2 posts
7/16/2020 12:33 pm
I came, I saw, iPodded


A story I wrote back in 2008ish somewhere while a family vacation. It still makes laugh so I thought I would repost it honor of Summer. Enjoy!

Just like everyone else on the planet these days, I have an iPod. I don’t use the full capacity, it can hold somewhere around trillion songs, and I’ve only managed fill about 4 or 5 hours roughly. The difference between and most other iPod owners is that I am not addicted mine. It will be several months between uses. Mostly on vacation or hanging out at the airport just wasting time, so I don’t have hear that dofus in the back of the plane tell everyone how exciting and glamorous his traveling salesman’s job is, while he does so sitting in coach.

Another scorching hot day at the seashore as hoards of tourists flood the sand to partake in their annual migration to the ocean. This particular stretch of beach, like each and every one of the other blocks, is patrolled by a duet of lifeguards. The freshly painted bright white lifeguard stand has been manned today by a pair of young sculpted and bronzed college guys, Devon and Sly. Each was grateful to see the others name on the assignment board this morning, as they lowered their Foster Grants far enough to read the sheet, because each had been very late last night and was hoping for a quiet morning work off their hangovers. After , they did have a lot in common, but mostly they both liked lie top of the lifeguard stand. Devon preferred it because he thought it gave him a better tan, Sly sees it as a much better vantage point for scoping out the beach bunnies.

After finding the perfect spot on the beach and ‘setting camp’, which included a very manly rainbow umbrella, I nestled down in my beach chair and allowed the princess bury my feet with sand. Seems like the the beach are not truly happy unless they are either burying someone their earlobes in the sand, or digging a pit deep enough that could trap the very elusive Sand Tiger that roams freely the shoreline. Anyway, I pop out the trusty iPod and relax the sounds of Jack’s greatest hits, a medley of various rock songs and snappy tunes that set my toes a tapping. (And, no, there is no Celine Dion on the iPod, so just leave her out of this) I can see the shadow of the lifeguard stand not far away from our sand camp. There always seems to be a small crowd of girls around their stand for some reason. Each time I look back, I can swear that their gang of groupies gets a little bigger. Honestly the lifeguard gig is a pretty sweet deal, I thin 80% of the time they do absolutely nothing but work on their tans, 19% is spent blowing on their whistle keep people inside the flags, and only 1% of it is spent actually saving anything at all. But when they do, you sure are glad have them… kind of like insurance.

“Hey, Sly, anything happening over on your side?”
“No man”, he replies, “but I think I see the whitest dude on the beach over here.”
Devon pauses from his hourly lotion application peer over Sly’s side of the stand. “, I see the guy you’re talking about. He’s practically the color of the sand! If he didn’t have trunks he’d be perfectly camouflaged!”
“I hear ya, Dev.” Sly nods, “I’m not sure he’s really alive. That burying him and I haven’t seen him so much as move.”
“Kinda looked like you last night after that last pitcher of margaritas!” He snorts as he gives Sly an elbow in the ribs.
“Just watch the waves, Seinfeld, watch the waves.”

Lying there in my chair I have my dark sunglasses and lean back relaxing with my eyes closed. I can’t help but smile as a few of my favorite tunes pass by. But then something strange happens; and eerie piano intro comes into my ears. , yes! the hair the back of my neck stand straight as it did the very first time I heard this song. It’s “Bring me Life” by Evanescence, and I haven’t heard it for a good 6 months or so. The music grabs by the spine with both hands and shakes like a rag doll. Involuntarily, the air drums start come out (most folks do air guitar, but the true music lover instinctively reaches for the air drum sticks) and I am wailing with band. Sand starts flying everywhere as my foot starts pounding away the bass drum pedal. The princess squeals and dashes her towel to brush herself off. Her cry is unheard since the volume is , my eyes are welded shut and my head is pounding the rhythm as if I was in the backseat of the car alongside Wayne and Garth’s friends.

Sly shoots from his position atop the lifeguard stand with a start. “Dev, I think we’ve got a problem over here!”
“What’s Dude?”
“Remember that white guy we were talking about? I think he’s having a seizure!” Sly in the direction of a multicolored beach umbrella.
“Holy crap!” Devon exclaims. He grabs his red bullet shaped flotation buoy and jumps down from his loft.
“What are you planning on doing with that, Hasselhoff? The guy’s not drowning for God’s sake!” Sly quips before yelling into his walkie-talkie and requesting for immediate paramedic backup.
Devon looks down at the buoy in his hand confused for a second. “Sorry, just force of habit I guess.” He throws it down into the sand and joins Sly as they run over toward the sunbather in need of attention.

Wow, that song is incredible! I can’t believe how much I love hearing it, very tempting to hit replay, but I need a little rest first. The piano fades out at the end and is immediately replaced by the jazzy horns of “Something Happened on the way to Heaven” by Phil Collins. Bah! Da-da-da-da-da... Sweet! I snag my air trumpet and join in with the guys and we start to swing. Let’s blow the roof off of this place!

A throng of people gather around the patient directly behind the lifeguards. Devon kneels down next to the guy in his chair who twitches seemingly uncontrollably. The lifeguard slowly reaches out to him but then quickly draws back as to not get hit by a flailing arm. Sly initiates crowd control, “Back! Everyone back! Let’s give the guy some air!” Arms out wide he attempts to slowly keep the mass of curious onlookers at bay.
“What’s the best thing to do when someone is having convulsions like this?” Sly asks.
“Well, you usually just make them comfortable until it passes; make sure they don’t hurt themselves.” Devon’s eyes widen “ no, his cheeks are puffing out! I hope he’s not swallowing his tongue!”
Just then 2 four-wheelers arrive and their drivers throw down a long flat stretcher and grab their medical kits with military precision.

That’s a great song, too! I wonder what song is next as I put my air horn away and slowly stretch before settling back down in my beach chair to relax. Suddenly I feel hands grab me and I’m being lifted out of my chair. I open my eyes to see lifeguards dragging me with a large crowd of spectators staring at us. “What the hell is going on?!” I yell and attempt to remove the body snatchers.
“Just relax Sir, everything will be just fine, you’re in good hands.” One of them speaks.
They throw me on a hard board and Velcro strap my arms down. I start kicking at the nearest assailant.
“Let go of me, you freaks!”
“He might be starting another seizure! I’ll make sure he doesn’t choke!” Someone shouts. 3 men grab my legs and pull them down to strap, and some guy has pried my mouth open and is reaching his fingers in!
“Get away from my mouf… Ahhh!!!” All I can taste is latex gloves.

The princess walks beside , head tilted slightly one side, “Are you going surfing?”

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